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GWAR ETERNAL TOUR Going on Now!

For the third year in a row, your Lords and Masters GWAR return to The A.V. Club to take part in the A.V. Undercover Series. The A.V. Undercover Series features artists covering other artists’ music. GWAR’s first offering tackled the Kansas classic, “Carry on Wayward Son” – which was voted favorite performance of the year, to no surprise of GWAR. After a year of celebrating the victory, the group returned to defend the crown with its unique spin on Billy Ocean’s “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car.” The result? Back-to-back favorite performance titles.

GWAR has now returned for a third time to The A.V. Club. With new Scumdog warriors Blóthar and Vulvatron by its side, GWAR takes on the Pet Shop Boys classic “West End Girls” in what is no doubt the most head scratching followed by headbanging cover yet! Kneel before your overlords and watch them go New Wave HERE. Then remember to vote early and often for GWAR because the Scumdogs command you to do so!

A.V. Club VP/Editor in Chief Josh Modell had the following to say about GWAR’s return visit:

“GWAR once again descended on The A.V. Club office unannounced, demanding to play a song. They threatened to eat our children and drink all our booze–and then made good on that threat.”

GWAR is off on a journey to find their departed brother Oderus Urungus using every resource available – including new Scumdogs Blóthar and Vulvatron. GWAR will enlist the help of even the lowliest Bohab as its enemies plot to take advantage of the hole in GWAR’s ranks. That being said, Bohabs, look at the dates below and see when it is your time to come worship the mighty GWAR!!!

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CXNoWy

Toodles, ya parasitic bohabs. It’s me, Sleazy P Martini. As you may already know, GWAR will be out on the GWAR Eternal Tour starting tonight because Thai ladyboys don’t pay for themselves. You smarter Bohabs have probably even noticed that GWAR has undergone a lineup change.

The reason for this is the absence of Oderus Urungus due to his return to space. First of all, let’s clear something up: Oderus is not dead! Nor is GWAR. Now, admittedly things will be different. For instance, with Oderus’s absence, touring expenses will be scaled back considerably as crack usage by the band will drop by over nine tons a day. To which I, the CIA and the Medellin Cartel respond with a collective: “Phew!” Now all those drug mules crossing the border can use the extra butt space for more important things such as food, water and more relatives.

Of course, there are many in the scene (code for no-talents) who say that with Oderus out of the band, GWAR should hang it up. To which I must respond: If I wanted your opinion, I would just knock you unconscious and urinate on your face. Which wouldn’t elicit much of an opinion at all – just the way I like it. You see, GWAR is a perpetual and unstoppable force. If I tried to retire them, I most certainly would end up flayed, shredded, pulled and served with coleslaw and fries to Gor-Gor. One who is a lion tamer cannot suddenly decide to stop and ask his lions to become house cats. And GWAR’s lust for human carnage cannot properly be met in semi-retirement on the talk-show circuit. So the shows must go on. And they have, starting with Riot Fest in Chicago. The GWAR Eternal Tour starts tonight in Norfolk, VA. and goes through December 13th in Baltimore, MD

Now, there are some who would say, “How can you find a lead singer as talented as Oderus Urungus?” To which I have responded by having famed archeologist Dr. Richard Leaky travel to Antarctica to dig up another immortal Scumdog. According to Dr. Dick, these furballs are stacked up in GWAR’s fortress basement like chicken pot pies four for a buck. In fact, I have already thawed out one promising prospect named Blóthar. While not as talented a singer as most primates, he’s definitely better than Justin Bieber or the entire One Direction line up.

So, in response to all you haters who would give your left nut to see GWAR finally call it quits, you can go ahead and keep your left nut and hang it from your nose-ring for another 30 years, because GWAR AIN’T GOING NOWHERE! And though you may think GWAR sucks, remember that GWAR is immortal. So, long after your lame hipster ass is in the ground being used as a luxury condo by worms, maggots and pill bugs, GWAR will still be alive, sucking forever.

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ANTARCTICA, 29th September 2014

The Scumdogs of the Universe are sharpening their axes and stoking the fires of their great war engines in preparation for the fall 2014 GWAR Eternal Tour. Global leaders had hoped the bouts of terror accompanying GWAR’s annual rampages would finally come to an end with the passing of the the groups monstrous captain, Oderus Urungus. But tonight politicians, religious leaders, and citizens around the world are asking, “Why?! Why won’t GWAR just leave the Earth in peace?”

The band’s toothsome guitarist, BalSac the Jaws of Death had this to say: “Something is wrong, unspeakably wrong. It feels as if the very fabric of reality has been ripped from belly to taint. And it all centers around Oderus’ disappearance. One moment, life is fantastic, as we celebrate the near sinking of Japan as a result of our recent journey across the Pacific; and the next, he is just gone. Suddenly the world is a dark, vile place with hordes of trolls biting at my hooves and daring to spit poison in my face. There is a great evil behind this, and I will not rest until I know what has become of my brother!”

There is mounting evidence of a disruption in the core of time, including the sudden appearance of the Berserker Blóthar, a Scumdog warrior who claims to be from the distant past. Apparently, he was sucked through a hole in the space/time continuum and deposited onstage in front of thousands of screaming metal heads. Fortunately for GWAR, he knows the words to all of their songs and has pledged to aid them by assuming the role of lead singer. Inexplicably, he is also a hell of a bass guitarist!

And what is to be made of the mysterious new Scumdog, Vulvatron? She appears as a cybernetic female assassin who purports to know the answers that GWAR seeks because she hails from the future. While some of the band seem to have fallen under the spell of her impressive blood-spewing assets, others remain skeptical. JiZMak da Gusha was quoted as saying, “Dames, they ain’t nothin’ but trouble.”

GWAR Eternal Tour Lineup:

Blóthar: Lead Singer, Bass Guitar
Beefcake the Mighty: Bass Guitar, Vocals
Pustulus Maximus: Lead Guitar, Vocals
BalSac the Jaws of Death: Rhythm Guitar, Vocals
JiZMak da Gusha: Drums
Bonesnapper: Bodyguard, Crappy Vocals
Sawborg Destructo: Annoying Nemesis, Annoying Vocals
Vulvatron: Plot Twist, Vocals

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