CXNoWy

Toodles, ya parasitic bohabs. It’s me, Sleazy P Martini. As you may already know, GWAR will be out on the GWAR Eternal Tour starting tonight because Thai ladyboys don’t pay for themselves. You smarter Bohabs have probably even noticed that GWAR has undergone a lineup change.

The reason for this is the absence of Oderus Urungus due to his return to space. First of all, let’s clear something up: Oderus is not dead! Nor is GWAR. Now, admittedly things will be different. For instance, with Oderus’s absence, touring expenses will be scaled back considerably as crack usage by the band will drop by over nine tons a day. To which I, the CIA and the Medellin Cartel respond with a collective: “Phew!” Now all those drug mules crossing the border can use the extra butt space for more important things such as food, water and more relatives.

Of course, there are many in the scene (code for no-talents) who say that with Oderus out of the band, GWAR should hang it up. To which I must respond: If I wanted your opinion, I would just knock you unconscious and urinate on your face. Which wouldn’t elicit much of an opinion at all – just the way I like it. You see, GWAR is a perpetual and unstoppable force. If I tried to retire them, I most certainly would end up flayed, shredded, pulled and served with coleslaw and fries to Gor-Gor. One who is a lion tamer cannot suddenly decide to stop and ask his lions to become house cats. And GWAR’s lust for human carnage cannot properly be met in semi-retirement on the talk-show circuit. So the shows must go on. And they have, starting with Riot Fest in Chicago. The GWAR Eternal Tour starts tonight in Norfolk, VA. and goes through December 13th in Baltimore, MD

Now, there are some who would say, “How can you find a lead singer as talented as Oderus Urungus?” To which I have responded by having famed archeologist Dr. Richard Leaky travel to Antarctica to dig up another immortal Scumdog. According to Dr. Dick, these furballs are stacked up in GWAR’s fortress basement like chicken pot pies four for a buck. In fact, I have already thawed out one promising prospect named Blóthar. While not as talented a singer as most primates, he’s definitely better than Justin Bieber or the entire One Direction line up.

So, in response to all you haters who would give your left nut to see GWAR finally call it quits, you can go ahead and keep your left nut and hang it from your nose-ring for another 30 years, because GWAR AIN’T GOING NOWHERE! And though you may think GWAR sucks, remember that GWAR is immortal. So, long after your lame hipster ass is in the ground being used as a luxury condo by worms, maggots and pill bugs, GWAR will still be alive, sucking forever.

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ANTARCTICA, 29th September 2014

The Scumdogs of the Universe are sharpening their axes and stoking the fires of their great war engines in preparation for the fall 2014 GWAR Eternal Tour. Global leaders had hoped the bouts of terror accompanying GWAR’s annual rampages would finally come to an end with the passing of the the groups monstrous captain, Oderus Urungus. But tonight politicians, religious leaders, and citizens around the world are asking, “Why?! Why won’t GWAR just leave the Earth in peace?”

The band’s toothsome guitarist, BalSac the Jaws of Death had this to say: “Something is wrong, unspeakably wrong. It feels as if the very fabric of reality has been ripped from belly to taint. And it all centers around Oderus’ disappearance. One moment, life is fantastic, as we celebrate the near sinking of Japan as a result of our recent journey across the Pacific; and the next, he is just gone. Suddenly the world is a dark, vile place with hordes of trolls biting at my hooves and daring to spit poison in my face. There is a great evil behind this, and I will not rest until I know what has become of my brother!”

There is mounting evidence of a disruption in the core of time, including the sudden appearance of the Berserker Blóthar, a Scumdog warrior who claims to be from the distant past. Apparently, he was sucked through a hole in the space/time continuum and deposited onstage in front of thousands of screaming metal heads. Fortunately for GWAR, he knows the words to all of their songs and has pledged to aid them by assuming the role of lead singer. Inexplicably, he is also a hell of a bass guitarist!

And what is to be made of the mysterious new Scumdog, Vulvatron? She appears as a cybernetic female assassin who purports to know the answers that GWAR seeks because she hails from the future. While some of the band seem to have fallen under the spell of her impressive blood-spewing assets, others remain skeptical. JiZMak da Gusha was quoted as saying, “Dames, they ain’t nothin’ but trouble.”

GWAR Eternal Tour Lineup:

Blóthar: Lead Singer, Bass Guitar
Beefcake the Mighty: Bass Guitar, Vocals
Pustulus Maximus: Lead Guitar, Vocals
BalSac the Jaws of Death: Rhythm Guitar, Vocals
JiZMak da Gusha: Drums
Bonesnapper: Bodyguard, Crappy Vocals
Sawborg Destructo: Annoying Nemesis, Annoying Vocals
Vulvatron: Plot Twist, Vocals

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TBKK1y

GWAR, the most brutal band in existence, has bolstered its ranks leading up to the GWAR Eternal Tour. The Berserker Blóthar and Vulvatron are the latest intergalactic warriors to be banished to the pathetic mudball known as Planet Earth. Blóthar; a fat, filthy, frozen space viking, will take over as GWAR’s lead vocalist. The role of the red-hot cybernetic spitfire known as Vulvatron is more mysterious…Both will feature prominently in the anticipated GWAR Eternal Tour – which promises to be the most shocking and entertaining rock show of the year! Get to know your new masters before they grind you to a bloody pulp!

Blóthar:

Size:XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL

Origin: The Berserker Blóthar is an ancient shape-shifting holy warrior from the planet Scumdoggia. Blóthar is known to associate with intergalactic outlaw biker gangs

Position: Doggy Style baby! A true Renaissance man; Blóthar sings, he dances, he kills things…

Features: Blóthar wears a ceremonial headdress fashioned from the gigantic antlers and pelt of a Spectral Moon Moose he killed eons ago. He carries a mighty battle axe, an impenetrable shield, and for some reason has grown a set of hideous space udders

Hobbies: Ice fishing and ritual murder

Quote: “I went into a trance of blinding rage. I must have killed a million space apes. I was sleeping it off, and I woke up with a piss boner. I figure, why waste it, you know? So I’m rubbing one out, and the next thing I know, I’m on stage with GWAR in front of thousands of hideous, acne-ridden teenaged humanoids. I was promised there would be wifi, but it’s hit or miss….”

Vulvatron:

Size: Genetically engineered to the optimum proportions for a female of her species

Origin: Vulvatron has returned from the year 69000, where she was a high-ranking Scumdog assassin in the battle against futuro-fascist forces. Her primary functions include mastery of the arts of war, quantum mechanics, and intergalactic musicology

Position: Head Bitch In Charge

Features: Shock-white dreadlocks, high-tech armor, cybernetic implants, boob spew, prominent posterior

Hobbies: Adapting her superior technology and sexual prowess to the present day, perfecting the chemical formula for Vulvoline – her line of signature drag-racing motor oils, hot yoga

Quote: “I have summoned Planck quantities of energy to navigate the fabric of space-time back to this primitive era on Earth. I believe our wormhole might have slightly malfunctioned upon my arrival, also ushering in a primeval creature from a far earlier era, vaguely resembling a Moon Moose. I shall have to report this anomaly to maintenance. My mission is to alter the current path of GWAR so that they might prevent the darkest period in the history of the Universe! I have calculated an optimum plan of action to achieve…Hey! Quit staring at my tits!”

See the Berserker Blóthar, Vulvatron and the rest of GWAR as they embark upon the GWAR Eternal Tour and search for Oderus Urungus!

Photos by Laurie Fanelli

GWAR W/ Decapitated and American Sharks:
10/15: Norfolk, VA @ The Norva
10/16: Sayreville, NJ @ Starland Ballroom
10/17: Stroudsburg, PA @ Sherman Theater
10/18: Worcester, MA @ The Palladium – “Rock and Shock Festival”
10/19: Buffalo, NY @ The Town Ballroom
10/21: Louisville, KY @ Expo Five****
10/22: Memphis, TN @ New Daisy Theater
10/23: Dallas, TX @ Gas Monkey Live
10/24: New Orleans, LA @ House of Blues
10/25: Austin, TX @ Emo’s – “Housecore Horror Film Festival*
10/26: Houston, TX @ Warehouse Live
10/28: Oklahoma City, OK @ Diamond Ballroom
10/29: Sauget, IL @ Pop’s Nightclub
10/30: Lawrence, KS @ Granada Theater
10/31: Denver, CO @ The Summit Music Hall**
11/1: Albuquerque, NM @ Sunshine Theater
11/2: Tempe, AZ @ The Marquee
11/3: Santa Ana, CA @ The Observatory
11/4: Reno, NV @ Knitting Factory Concert House
11/5: San Francisco, CA @ The Regency Ballroom
11/6: Hollywood, CA @ House of Blues
11/7: Las Vegas, NV @ Hard Rock Live
11/8: Magna, UT @ The Great Salt Air
11/10: Boise, ID @ Knitting Factory Concert House
11/11: Portland, OR @ Roseland Theater
11/12: Seattle, WA @ Showbox SODO

GWAR W/ TBA and American Sharks:
11/14: Vancouver, BC and Commodore Ballroom

GWAR W/ Corrosion of Conformity and American Sharks:
11/15: Spokane, WA @ Knitting Factory Concert House
11/16: Calgary, AB @ MacEwan Hall Ballroom
11/17: Edmonton, AB @ Union Hall
11/19: Fargo, ND @ The Venue
11/20: Minneapolis, MN @ Skyway Theater
11/21: Milwaukee, WI @ The Rave
11/22: Detroit, MI @ Harpo’s
11/23: Grand Rapids, MI @ The Intersection***
11/25: Indianapolis, IN @ The Vogue
11/26: Cleveland, OH @ House of Blues
11/28: Charlotte, NC @ Tremont Music Hall
11/29: Philadelphia, PA @ Electric Factory
11/30: New York, NY @ Irving Plaza
12/2: Nashville, TN @ Exit/In
12/3: Asheville, NC @ The Orange Peel
12/4: Pensacola, FL @ Vinyl Music Hall
12/5: Orlando, FL @ Firestone Live
12/6: Atlanta, GA @ The Masquerade
12/7: Columbus, OH @ Newport Music Hall
12/8: Millvale, PA @ Mr. Smalls Theater
12/9: Toronto, ON @ Opera House
12/10: Montreal, QC @ Virgin Mobile Corona Theater
12/11: Clifton Park, NY @ Upstate Concert Hall
12/12: New Haven, CT @ Toad’s Place
12/13: Baltimore, MD @ Baltimore Sound Stage

*No American Sharks
** Havok plays on this show
*** The Meatmen play on this show
**** Huntress plays on this show

 

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